


No Room to Hide

by tabbiano



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 04:30:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19738354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbiano/pseuds/tabbiano
Summary: You can never escape no matter how much it hurts. You can only hide for so long.





	No Room to Hide

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING/EXPLICIT WARNING FOR: mention of religion, implied suicide, and scenes that are most likely sensitive. Please read at your own discretion. Note that the content of the story does not reflect all real life situations.

TRIGGER WARNING: Content may be sensitive. The content in this story does not represent all real life situations and does not reflect all individuals in the communities presented in the story.

-

Wendy sat down in the church pews, her dress feeling uncomfortably constricting as she glanced at the other church goers. They looked so calm, prim and proper, and extremely proud to be in the house of God.

Just as she usually did, she followed her parents to the front of the room kneeling down to the cross to offer prayer, while soft christian contemporary played in the background.

Dear God…

Wendy always said the same prayer. She didn’t really know what else to pray for when in reality, she was a hopeless dead Christian. If there was anything or anyone that needed to be prayed for, it was those third-world countries lacking resources, starving children, the sickly, and countries being held at war.

She prayed for her father, who had just finally hit a new record of being one month sober.

She prayed for her mother, who worked so hard to take care of the whole family while her father was trapped in alcoholism.

And she prayed for her sister, who had just gotten a job at a big name company.

Then, she finally prayed for herself that God would forgive her and please help her because she was suffocating in this too cruel world where everything had to be black or white.

High school was supposed to be the best time of her life, according to Wendy’s mom. Even the movies bragged the stereotypical high school story: finding your identity, establishing your personal talents to find the right groups and clubs, football, maybe a boyfriend…

Wendy had always been so sure of her self identity. At least that’s what she told herself all through middle school and high school, the budding of hormones and catapult into the raging wilds of senior high school.

But the movies were all lies. And the expectation still stifled her once more. Every plot, conflict, and happy ending frustratingly shoved her guilt into her mouth every single time. People all around her kept reminding her of the inevitable sin ingrained within her for a long time.

She’d had crushes. Girl crushes.

At first, she believed that it was just an appreciation of her classmates’ pretty looks. It was her little secret. When she was bored, she would dream and wonder what it was like to hold a girl’s hand, to kiss their soft lips, their eyes looking at her the way they stared at their crushes.

But she would feel disappointment churning in her gut after finding out they were dating the one they wanted.

Then college arrived, and Wendy thought that for once, she would finally be freed. Maybe she could truly embrace herself, maybe she would shed the old skin now that she was growing older.

That hope remained covered in dirt.

“God is good. He will provide for you. Trust Him. Read the Bible, and have a conversation with God. He will speak to you and guide you on the right path…” the preacher’s words rang.

Wendy tried. She fucking tried her best to trust in the invisible greater power somewhere in the heavens. Someone who was supposed to be watching her all the time and protecting her with his big heavenly armor.

What she did was unforgivable. Her thoughts, her dreams, what she really wanted...

How could God accept her into the kingdom of heaven if she was not worthy of being His child?

Everyone would just say the same thing: she was lost, neglecting to pray and read the Bible (which she hadn't been doing because she felt guilty every time she opened the book), and getting lost in the worldly things.

She prayed that, Dear God please make her be normal like everyone else. She didn’t mean to, and she didn’t know why she was like this.

It made her feel better for a little bit. She confessed and now all she had to do was trust.

But pretty soon, the guilt would come creeping back to her again and the dark cloud hung over her with heavy rain.

Why me?

Why me of all people?

This was not the little bored past time from high school anymore. This was real.

Even if she wanted to fall in love with a girl, the mere thought of doing so filled her with guilt. It was wrong. She knew it was. Every church lesson pressed onto the fact that being gay was wrong and unnatural. She didn’t want her family to hate her forever. No one would ever look at her the same way again. They might coerce her into conversion therapy—she remembered her mother listening to an extremely conservative Christian radio station that promoted it.

After returning home for winter break, she meet her sister at the airport with heartfelt salutation.

They had a bright welcome from mother and father, as if home had never changed. The family dog yapped happily, jumping at Wendy and her sister because it missed the girls so much.

In celebration of their return, Wendy’s mother and elder sister cooked up a dinner of their favorite dishes, while Wendy played her father at a game of chess.

“How’s your classes?” he asked casually while moving a pawn forward.

“They’re alright.” Wendy swapped out his piece with her own.

Her father made a noise of mock frustration. He made a defensive move as he realized that his daughter was close to winning the game.

“Checkmate.” Wendy placed a queen in the only available spot her father could have moved his king piece to avoid losing.

“Argh…you.” He growled in mock frustration but ruffled her hair. “I missed having a worthy opponent.”

It felt great to eat dinner with her family again. Too many times, she was trying to find ways to eat food sparingly while paying for school.

“Did you hear about Seulgi?” Mrs. Bae said after everyone had begun digging in.

“No, what?” Wendy’s older sister said through a mouthful of food.

“She’s lesbian.”

Wendy flinched at the way her mother practically hissed the words as if it were the most atrocious news ever.

“Can you believe it? She went to church!" her mother continued incredulously.

“Poor girl.” Mr. Bae morosely picked at his food. “She was too young to travel alone. She was always easily influenced.”

The food in Wendy’s mouth became tasteless bricks that made her stomach hurt.

“Do you think Seulgi’s parents were ok with it?” Wendy asked her sister while playing fetch with the dog in the backyard.

“I don’t know. We’d have to ask her.”

Wendy chose her next words carefully so that she wouldn’t give away her position. “Can gay people still go to heaven?”

Her sister shot her a look of slight annoyance. “You can be gay, but you don’t have to act on it.” She clearly did not want to talk about a sensitive topic.

The conversation ended abruptly and Wendy wished she hadn’t brought it up. Her sister wasn’t stupid, and had a pretty spot on gaydar.

It was just a question though so maybe it would pass by as a simple stupid second of their lives.

The next day was Sunday, and the family returned to the church greeting the new generation and conversing with the recognizable veterans.

Wendy stared blankly at the preacher who passionately paced on the stage. He lifted his hands high up in the air, his voice strong. Everyone around her clapped and she followed suit in respect.

“We must resist temptation. God’s will means more than our own desires.”

The sermon ended with a lengthy prayer and Wendy kept her head bowed saying her own same prayer since everything began.

A few years later, Wendy graduated college at spritely young age of 21, and her sister had found a boyfriend who would soon propose.

“Wendy, when are you going to get a boyfriend?” her mother asked. “It’s about time!”

“I want to focus on my education.” Wendy used that excuse every single time her family questioned her delay in starting a family. Only her sister seemed to understand her hesitance to get in relationship. Same excuse: not interested. But at least her sister accepted that she “wasn’t ready”.

Working head over heels for the stupid paper certifying her bachelor’s had been fucking hell. All those late nights writing papers, last minute projects, and submitting documents seconds before the due date had been every academic nightmare of hers.

And here she was, asking for it all over again at an advanced level.

In reality, Wendy was just using it to distract herself from the ever looming truth threatening to break her apart.

Hoping to keep her whole days occupied, Wendy had found a job as a personal assistant to a 27 year old businesswoman and fashion designer named Irene Bae.  
Wendy had not known she would be assisting a very beautiful woman. If she could have seen the picture prior to her application and acceptance, she probably would not have applied at all.

But it turned out Irene was bossy anyway and there wasn’t time to dawdle and daydream.

After a first rough week, she managed to get into the groove of being Miss Irene's personal assistant. The young girl knew exactly where everything had to be, how Miss Irene wanted it to be, and when. She could even anticipate Miss Irene's entrances and requests seconds before it would happen.

Graduate school was not any easier. Wendy had decided to go full time while also taking on the role of a TA for a basic methods course. There was so much work to be done, so many lessons to plan, and deadlines to meet in addition to Miss Irene's deadlines.

Soon, their relationship went from a strict boss with a stick up her ass, to a boss who didn't always have a stick up her ass. By the end of the year, Wendy found herself looking forward to seeing Miss Irene after every long day of school work.

She was crushing again.

Her silly high school self was coming back, and she needed to turn it around before things went too far.

But she couldn't. She prayed and tried to be a good person, but it seemed that her pleas went unheard. Maybe God already knows I'm going to hell.

Wendy knew she shouldn't have let this happen.

She should not have listened to her heart. Remind her never to listen to that stupid song "Listen to Your Heart".

This was her final year of graduate school, and so many opportunities were opening up to her.

A bright sign in the distance: Ph.D.

This was great! She could become a mastermind of her craft, and also spend another five years distracting herself from the crushing blow she had already set up for herself.

But then, there was something else.

Miss Irene Bae.

Who was sitting across from her at a small restaurant.

They had been dating for a little more than a few months now, a secret to everyone. But Wendy's contract was almost over, which meant that they could start thinking about other things.

Wendy had fallen into her own trap, letting her heart speak for her instead of her brain.

What have I done?

"Wendy?"

The younger girl looked up at her while sipping on her ice tea through a straw.

"Are you ok?" Irene's strange sweetness still creeped her out, but it was appreciated all the same.

"Yeah."

Finally, the waiter arrived with their food a bright smile on his face as he wished them a nice date. Wendy wished there were more people like him in her life.

For now, Irene had not inquired about Wendy's family. Perhaps the older woman believed she had cut ties with her family since they lived miles apart in a different city. Wendy never wanted to bring them up because it would threaten their relationship. Or maybe she should have done so to stop her worst nightmare from coming true.

Wendy never came out to anyone.

For all her parents knew, she was just taking her time before settling down to make grandchildren for them to enjoy.

She kept her relationship with Irene a secret this whole time, as they did among coworkers. But Irene's closest friends were aware that they were together.

She was glad that Irene never pressured her about it, but the day would arrive too soon.

Later, she found herself pinned against the bed under Irene's warm comforting kisses, her arms embracing her tightly. "I love you, Wendy."

Wendy only replied with a kiss enough to satiate Irene's expectations. How can loving someone be wrong? Guilt weighed over her again, and her feelings to Irene became choked up with sadness.

There were too many people to lose on either side. Who did she treasure more? Irene? Her family? The weight of every outcome possible tore her apart. There was no equity in her choices. She didn't want her family's name to be disgraced by her actions, but she loved Irene. But she also didn't want to hurt Irene just to keep saving face.

Dear God, if homosexuality is a sin, then why does it exist? Why do you let it happen?

Why me?

Wendy finally graduated with a Master's at the age of 23. Still young and still ready for another battle for knowledge.

Her contract working for Miss Irene had ended by then.

But she decided not to walk the stage at graduation. She didn't want Irene to insist to see her, and she didn't want her family to insist to come over either. Surely, her parents would be suspicious of an older woman attending, and a stranger on top of that. Who would buy the fact that "oh, yes, I was her boss, we are friends" excuse?

She would rather spend it alone and sulk about every bad choice she made this year.

Wendy had decided to pursue a PhD across the ocean. Away from this place that was pulling her down into regret.

Irene didn't know yet. Nor did her parents.

This was going to work. Wendy formulated a plan. She knew English well enough from living in Canada just for a little bit before coming back and studying it in school. She could get citizenship there and then get Irene over so they could be married in Los Angeles. There were more opportunities, more open minded people who would accept them.

Of course, that was not the real plan.

Wendy was running away.

Long distance relationships would not last. Irene would break up with her and move on.

It was the least painful plan she could think of.

As if things could not get any worse, her worst nightmare was about to happen.

Wendy had already planned to have dinner with Irene. Planned by Irene, actually. She had something important to tell Wendy and the younger girl had horrible feelings of foreboding about what it could be.

Irene was going to pick her up so she lounged on her bed staring at the wall and literally thinking about nothing because she didn't want to think about what was going to happen tonight.

Regret stabbed her guilt flowing from her fresh new gaping holes of emptiiness. It was all my fault.

I made this mess.

The doorbell finally rang, and expecting it to be Irene she opened it, but found herself staring at her family.

She had to cancel dinner with Irene. A little bit of guilt returned as she was relieved to avoid the other woman.

But now she had to deal with her family who were planning to spend the night and spend the day with her tomorrow.

Wendy prayed with all her heart that nothing bad would happen. They could get along smoothly and then leave so she could apologize to Irene, and have that dinner date her girlfriend had been anticipating all week.

"Wendy, what are you going to do now?" Mrs. Bae asked while they had a late breakfast

"A PhD." Wendy supped on her orange juice.

"When are you going to get a boyfriend?"

The girl shrugged. "I want to focus on my education."

Her parents exchanged glances, and Wendy noticed that her older sister wouldn't even look at her. "What?" she said irritably.

"What about us, honey?" Mr. Bae took over. "Did you think about how we'd feel?"

"I worked hard to get into that school!" Wendy argued. "What more do you want?"

"This is about you, Wendy." He pulled out an envelope that looked painfully familiar. "This fell from your backpack when you took it into your room last night."

She snatched it from him clutching it to her chest as her worst fears began to come true.

It was a birthday card from Irene.

Wendy had always thought coming out stories gone wrong consisted of loud yelling, but this empty calmness was even worse.

Her mother was sobbing, and her sister kept giving her wary looks as if she were an infectious virus. Her father's eyes, no longer the usual calm caring warmth, were cold and disappointed.

Wendy looked at them all, her eyes beginning to water. God is punishing me. It was too late to ask for forgiveness and help now. She had already gone against eveyrthing she was raised to believe, and now it was brought to light. There was no place to hide now.

"I didn't ask you to come," she said bitterly.

Everyone stared at her, anger, sadness, every emotion that could be available shooting into her like poison arrows.

"Were you going to forget us just so you can be a lesbian with Irene?" her mother finally shrieked.

Wendy knew she should have kept her mouth shut, but she was so mad too. This wasn't her fault. It wasn't. She loved Irene. That couldn't be wrong.

I am wrong... The looks of their distraught faces seemed to be taunting her, humiliating her.

Wendy wanted to talk to Irene. She wanted to see her alone, but her parents were now hovering over her every move.

She was a prisoner to her own actions.

It is my fault.

Finally, her three family members announced they were heading out to get a few more groceries for a meal before they were going to leave. Wendy was supposed to return with them too. They did not trust her to live alone, fearing that she was turning rogue just like her old friend Seulgi.

She now had a quiet moment alone.

And there was nothing more she wanted than to hear Irene's voice again after this horror drama happening to her. So she dialed her number hoping that she woudl pick up.

"Wendy?"

"Irene unnie," Wendy choked out with relief. "I'm sorry..."

"What's the matter?"

"I'm so sorry. It was all my fault."

"Should I come over?"

Wendy wanted to say yes. She wanted her to be right her beside her and bury herself into Irene's arms. But there wouldn't be a moment of privacy.

"They found out, didn't they?" Irene said matter of factly when she took too long to answer. "Wendy, it was going to happen. You knew it."

Irene was right. There was nothing to say now. She had started this mess the moment she said yes to Irene.

"I'm going over."

"N-no! Please don't make this harder!"

Irene seemed to hesitate. "What do you really want, Wendy?" her voice was hushed.

"I want you but I don't want them to hate me."

"Why do you crawl back to them?" the older said a little more forcefully. "I've been waiting for you patiently for so long. Are you seriously going to leave me for people who won't love you the way you are?"

"You don't understand."

"I don't? Hah! I lost everything to be where I am now! You're just running away from your problems, and it's hurting people all around you!"

"Irene, I didn't mean to." Wendy managed to swallow down the next bout of tears. "Why did it have to be me?"

"..."

"Unnie?"

"Wendy...I'll let you go if that's what you think is right."

The younger girl was not expecting this at all from Irene. But really, what was she expecting? There was not any choice in reality because her parents had already decided for her that she would return home and not get that PhD she worked really hard for. "W-wait..."

"I'm tired of waiting. I love you, don't you know that?"

"I love you too."

"Then why won't you stay by my side where it's safe?" Irene demanded. "You're destroying us both by going back to your homophobic family!"

Wendy had no answer because Irene was right. "I don't have a choice."

\--

Wendy found herself staring over the edge of a bridge, a bag of groceries dangling from her hand. She was tired of trying to play this game called life. There was no justice in this world.

She already lost everything that was important to her.

Irene.

Irene.

Irene.

That was all she could see ever since she returned home. That was all she could hear.

Everywhere she looked Irene was haunting her. The sad goodbye echoing in her ears as if it just happened only a second ago.

Her family became distant from her even though she was locked up in her own home.

What else was there to lose now?

She laughed bitterly earning some distasteful glares from near bystanders.

Just one life. That was the answer to all her problems.

Me.

I was the problem all along!

The dawning of that simple solution suddenly made the world look round again.

No more pain, no more suffering.

No more people to hurt, no more people to hate her.

She had lived long enough. Why would she come back for more if she already knew it was going to be this bad?

Wendy wandered back home glancing at the bag with all the necessary items to carry her to victory.

Everyone was still out, much to Wendy's delight. This was going to be so much easier than she expected. She locked herself in her room and emptied out the bag on the floor.

It is a lot of money...Wendy thought to herself as she looked over the receipt. But that wouldn't matter anyway.

Soon it would all be over.

She could taste freedom just one heartbeat away, the tumultuous storm finally lifting off her chest.

The greatest revenge she could ever have on everyone including herself.


End file.
